Fear Is A Hologram
I cannot believe my son will be ONE in a little over a week! Where has the time gone? His birthday will be a celebration. A celebration of God's faithfulness, of Dylan's first year and its milestones and the graduation from infancy to toddlerhood. It's bittersweet- mostly sweet, but there's a tinge of sadness realizing my baby is growing up too fast!
This past week or so, there's this fear that's been nagging at me. Later on this year, my husband and I are going to try for Baby #2. Dylan's upcoming birthday reminds me that soon I will be entering this arena and facing my fears once again.
Conceiving and carrying Dylan was smooth and uneventful- we had minimal help and conceived our second month of trying. I thank God! Before Dylan, I experienced two early-term losses ("Lily" and "Max" respectively) nearly back-to-back which left me brokenhearted and devastated.
Side note- This is the first time I've disclosed suffering multiple losses. I was very open about my first miscarriage (I hate even typing that word). However; I discovered that even the most well-intentioned person can often say things that aren't helpful and sometimes hurtful lacking sensitivity and tact. This time only a select few knew to provide us support. I've always been transparent, but sometimes it's wise to guard your heart as it heals.
After my second loss, I took a few months to heal and regroup so I could try again and face my fears of future failure. I didn't think I could handle losing another baby, but I had hope that God would deliver on his promises which compelled me to persevere.
Fast forward two years later with a healthy baby and still sometimes I am scared. I can dwell on all the worst-case scenarios and find myself overcome with worry to the point that it is debilitating. Can you relate to this?
Ironically as I type this, my Little Miracle is trying to bang on my keyboard. He says, "s@*$(%!" I have tasted the promise, yet I still can struggle in my faith for the future.
Yesterday, I was praying for my future little ones and asking for peace when I walk that season with all its unknowns. My devotional assigned Psalm 127 again, "Children are a gift from God. They are a reward for those who fear Him (vs 3)." I thought that statement was what God was sharing with me, however; a couple sentences later is what leapt off the page as I meditated on that passage. "Blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them (vs 5)."
That stopped me in my tracks. God is in the business of giving childREN. The promises He spoke to me almost three years ago, still apply to the childREN my husband and I desire to have. We can trust Him. He loves my babies (the two in heaven, Dylan and his future siblings more than I can even comprehend, more than I love them).
Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear for I am with you. Do not be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."
I love this acronym! I can coddle the fear or I can deal with it. I choose the latter, and with God's help I hope my thoughts and emotions will soon fall in line with the truth of God's Word... and the facts.
Fear is a hologram.